Dear LGBT people:
I’m starting to worry that some of you didn’t get the memo. Or maybe you’re not as good at destroying civilization as we were told. Either way, we were promised an apocalypse and, well, I’m sorry to say… you’re just not living up to expectations.
I mean, it’s been two whole days since the SCOTUS ruling, and you STILL haven’t turned up at my door to make my kids gay or replace my lady wife with a dude.
How many churches have you shuttered for not doing gay weddings? How many pastors have you rounded up? What are you even doing with all your free time now that you’ve won? As far as I can tell, the signers of the Manhattan Declaration are still freely moving about, enjoying their lives as much as before. (Well, maybe a little less now that you’ve apparently ruined their traditional marriages.) They’re even issuing new statements in case, in all the flutter, we forgot where they stand.
Maybe your paddy wagon is in the shop (getting some fabulous new detailing, no doubt). But you really must get on with it soon.
Otherwise, people will start to think that your only agenda is to love and be loved.
Sincerely,
A disgruntled alarmist
Ben Irwin 
I traded in my paddy wagon for a float. Anyone who wants to party can hop on. No one will detain you.
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:^) This is so great. I think I’m a first-time commenter, though I read your posts constantly, but I just had to say that this made me laugh today and I needed to laugh.
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Thanks William!
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Au contraire my homosexually-challenged friend. I have tried numerous times to sway you to the dark side by my fabulously witty gay tweets and my super sexy instagram photos and my less-than-subtle flirtation (mainly because “Recruiting A Straight” is the biggest merit badge you get at Gay Camp) and so far….nothing. I am doing my utmost to destroy your traditional marriage, or at least to rock your heterosexual world a little (not having anything against women in genral or your lady wife in particular…some of my best friends are women) but LGBT cannot bring about the collapse of civilization all on their own. We need you to make SOME effort. So, that said…..drinks? 😉
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Funny! Love this!! 😀
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I’m going to take the “angry Queen” as a “no”.
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I’m mostly just pleased I figured out how to embed an image in the comments. It’s the little things.
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