American Jesus Madness 2013 (yes, it’s a thing)

For those who don’t know what this is about, go here. Better yet, get your own bracket and play along. It’s just a bit of fun. Purely subjective, totally meaningless fun.

Below is the, um, logic behind my first-round picks.

(I should add that my aim is to be as spectacularly bad at this as I am at NCAA March Madness brackets, fantasy football leagues, etc. Shouldn’t be a problem.)

Tim Tebow vs. Ray Lewis
Winner: Tebow
Reason: Because I temporarily forgot who Ray Lewis is.
(It was the happiest four seconds of my life.)

#RickWarrenTips vs. Mark Driscoll Tweets
Winner: Mark Driscoll Tweets
Reason: Because misogyny always fights dirty.

Scot McKnight vs. Albert Mohler
Winner: Scot McKnight
Reason: Because really, what’s Mohler going to do?
Excommunicate you from that one denomination he owns?

Pope Benedict XVI vs. The Next Pope
Winner: Benedict
Reason: Because he can shoot lightning from his fingers
(probably).

Mark Driscoll vs. Christian Humility
Winner: Driscoll
Reason: Because we all know Driscoll will go “Old Testament”
on Christian humility.

Joel Osteen’s Smile vs. Joel Osteen’s mullet
Winner: Mullet
Reason: Because even Osteen’s teeth couldn’t cut through
all that hairspray.

History Channel’s “The Bible” vs. D’Jesus Uncrossed
Winner: D’Jesus Uncrossed
Reason: Because . . . Jesus with a gun. Seriously.

Mark Sandlin vs. Justin Lee
Winner: Justin Lee
Reason: Because you can’t pray the gay away.

Rachel Held Evans vs. Biblical Womanhood
Winner: Rachel Held Evans
Reason: Because she already made biblical womanhood her . . . well . . .

Peter Enns vs. Ken Ham
Winner: Ken Ham
Reason: Because little-known fact: his beard is alive and a little
bit carnivorous.

Hobby Lobby vs. Chick-Fil-A
Winner: Hobby Lobby
Reason: Because they’re in it to win it. I mean, it’s been what . . . a few
months and Chick-fil-A’s already made peace with the gay community?
Hobby Lobby’s still going strong with their anti-contraceptive crusade.
#culturewarsforever

Rob Bell’s New Tan vs. Rob Bell’s Missing Glasses
Winner: Missing glasses
Reason: Because Michiganders don’t tan. They burn. (But not in hell.)

The Gospel Coalition vs. Homebrewed Christianity
Winner: The Gospel Coalition
Reason: Because they don’t have to defeat you. They just have to wear you down.
(Also, Homebrewed Christianity will likely end up passed out under the table.)

Ann Voskamp vs. Tim Challies
Winner: Ann Voskamp
Reason: Because Ann will bake Tim a home-cooked meal, and he’ll beg for mercy.

John Piper vs. Christian Decency
Winner: Piper
Reason: Because GOD HAS PREDESTINED IT.

Tony Jones vs. Stephanie Drury
Winner: Stephanie
Reason: Because I have a feeling Tony won’t play.